Back and forth....back and forth....that's the way my ex was. One minute he wanted to be with me, and the next minute, he didn't. Talk about mind games...it was like a roller coaster.
But I took vows...."for better for worse"....and I meant that. When I married my ex, I planned on it being for life. I MEANT my vows. I don't believe he did. In my opinion, that's why the divorce rate is high. People get married when all is going well, and they vow to be with one another forever....and then life happens....the "worse" comes.....in my opinion, that's when it's time for the couple to work it out together. Sure it may be difficult to do so, but marriage takes work from both people. And when the two get through that "worse", it brings them closer together in the end. But if both people aren't willing to get through the rough times together....when one person chooses the easy way out.....then comes the divorce. To me, not trying to work things out is the easy way out. So I was willing to work things out, but my ex wasn't. Why did he take vows?
So there I was, working on trying to save my marriage. I started therapy BEFORE I was sentenced to attend therapy. Why? Not to make myself look good in front of the Judge. No. I started therapy because I WANTED to change myself. I wanted to learn the "tools" to handle my anger in a healthy manner when I was angry...the skills that I never saw or learned growing up. I WANTED to better myself....for my son and for myself.
My ex went to one, maybe two of my therapy sessions with me. At my therapy session with him, the therapist told my ex to never pin me down to the bed again, and that when he did that, he probably triggered a memory in my head...a memory from my childhood that I had blocked out.
I was telling my ex what I planned on doing the next time I got upset...I was going to try one of a couple of different things. One of them being, telling my ex, "When you ______, it made me feel _____." If that didn't work, I was going to take a "time-out" for myself. Either spend time with my precious baby boy, or if he was sleeping, then take a walk, or watch a sitcom on TV. I was not going to fight with my ex.
But as I stated above, my ex chose the easy way out.....at least in my opinion. And so, on went the mind games. It was during a time where he didn't want to be with me that I said to him over the phone, "but what about our vows? We said through better or worse. This is a 'worse'. We can get through this together". And I meant it. I was speaking from my heart. His reply? "Stop trying to manipulate me". I just cried and cried. I wasn't trying to "manipulate" him. I was telling him how I honestly felt.
So in and out of court I continued to go. And on and on his mind games continued.
Since it was a civil case, I had a court-appointed attorney. This attorney was different then the one for my criminal case. In and out of court....over and over.
My ex was still talking about taking my son to Florida. That horrified me. And then he told me yet again, that he didn't want to be with me. If he didn't want to be with me...than so be it, but I wasn't going to sit back and let him take my son to Florida. Had he done so, I would have never gotten the chance to see my precious baby boy.
So I did what I had to do. I filed for a divorce in September of 2008. I filled out the paperwork at the court house. I was crying the whole time. I was crying when I was paying to have my ex served. But I was doing what I had to do. I couldn't force him to want to be with me, and I had to stop him from taking my precious baby boy to Florida. By law, once I filed for a divorce, my ex was not allowed to move my son out of the state of Colorado. Period.
In the midst of going in and out of court, the Magistrate combined the civil case along with the divorce case, and the Magistrate rolled it up in to one big case.
I was working, and my ex was still not. I was paying for the house bills over the phone with my debit card....at least as many bills as I could with the low salary I was receiving. No, I couldn't afford to pay the mortgage anymore since I lost my Commercial Real Estate job, but at least I could pay for some of the bills. My ex stayed in the house and he let ME pay the bills, and he went to Social Services, and got them to help pay the rest of the bills. Talk about lazy. But then again, he was lazy the whole time we were married.
As I previously wrote, he took the SUV that I paid cash for, and he left me with the one with a hefty car payment. One, which I could no longer afford without my Commercial Real Estate job. The payments were months behind. I'm sure they were looking for the SUV to reposses it; however, I was staying 45 minutes away with a friend, and they had no idea where the vehicle was.
I asked my ex to swap SUV's with me, as I needed to work. He wouldn't. His reponse? "Take the bus". But there were no buses that went to the places that I had to travel to. My ex didn't care. The only person my ex has ever cared about was himself.
I was allowed to enter the house as long as my son was not there; however, my ex made sure that I had no access to the house. He took my key, my garage door opener, and he took down the garage door opener that was on the outside of the house. He completely had me locked out of my own house.
He kept playing mind games with me. He kept telling me of how I would lose. He kept telling me that I would not get custody of my son. I believed him. He said it so hateful and convincingly...not to mention, he had Social Services and everyone else, on his side.
I'll never forget that day in court. We were in front of the Magistrate, and the Magistrate turned around and brought up a case. I believe the name of the case was "Yates". Not the "Yates" case that I knew about....apparantely, there was another one.
The Magistrate looked at my ex and said, "I want the father to read up on the case of 'Yates'". I was thinking...."Yates...Yates...what about the Yates case"? The Magistrate went on and told my ex and the entire court room about the Yates case. Apparantely, the mother did something horrific (I believe it was a domestic violence case). I believe that it was alot worse than what I did. It was after she committed that crime, that they investigated who the better parent was.
After their investigation, the mother got sole custody. The Magistrate told this story to the court room, and after telling about that case, he looked right at my ex and said, "So just because somebody may have made a mistake or has a record DOES NOT MEAN that they are not a good parent". Wow. He said that with a very stern voice, and looking straight at my ex.
It was like the Magistrate knew what my ex was doing to me; what he was saying to me; and the mind games that he was playing with me. I was so glad that the Magistrate said that. It made me feel so good to hear him say that, and I finally believed that I had a chance...I was convinced by my ex as to otherwise, until the Magistrate said that. I will never forget that day...I will never forget that Magistrate. I will never forget how good that made me feel. He put my ex in his place, and it felt good.
