Before I continue, I am going to go back a bit. It is so hard for me to remember and write everything when so very much happened. I do the best that I can though, and I try to at least get the main things out.
One example that I am going to write about will show you how very different my ex and I were and are. I've already written that I would work, while he would spend, and he couldn't hold a job.
Here's an example of how night and day we were and are....
When I built our house in 2006, it was solely in my name as I was the breadwinner, and I was the one with the good credit. If his name was put on the house, our mortgage payments would have went up. So, in my name the house would be. I paid a good sized down payment on the house from my annuity that I cashed in, and I would be the one making the mortgage payments from my Commercial Real Estate job.
The house closed in December of 2006. There was alot of paperwork to sign. I asked if my ex could sign the paperwork too, since he was my husband. I was told "no" because the house was solely in my name. My ex didn't say anything, but inside, I felt bad for him. I wanted him to feel included. Eventhough it was my money that paid for that house, I didn't want him to feel left out. Those thoughts and feelings came from heart.
During the signing, I asked them if there was ANY paperwork that he could sign. They said "yes", and I let him sign everything that they said he was allowed to sign. I wanted him to feel included. In my mind and in my heart at the time, it was "our house".
That was me. That was the way I was.
Now for him.....
Approximately 2-3 weeks before my ex had me incarcerated, I bought an SUV in cash. We already had one SUV which I was making monthly payments on, but this one, I bought outright in cash. It was approximately 4-6 years old (I don't remember), but I do remember that it cost me $12,000. My thoughts? At least it was paid off, and I wouldn't have to make monthly payments on it.
I remember pushing my son around in his stroller the day I bought that SUV. My precious little boy was content. It was while I was pushing my son around, that my ex took out our checkbook and wrote a check (with MY money), and he put the SUV solely in his name....not both of our names....just his name. It didn't even cross his mind to include me.
That's how he was. Selfish. He still is. The only person that he thinks about is himself, and as I continue writing about my life, you, the reader, will see how selfish he is (if you haven't already).
Back to the day where I was let out of jail....Friday, June 20, 2008....my ex left me with the SUV that was not paid off. He kept the SUV that was paid off.
I lived out of my 2 suitcases. Here comes the tears again........I need a moment..........I was staying with my friend who lived about 45 minutes away from where my house was. I missed my baby boy so very much, and that is a huge understatement.
I hate this. I hate re-living this. It is so painful. It's been over 2 1/2 years and I have finally tried to block that part of my life out and I don't think about it. This blog is forcing me to "re-live" everything, so to speak. It's draining me emotionally. But I will continue, for you see....I need to get my story out in the public in an effort to try to help my son and myself, and this is the only way I know how. I pray that something good comes out of this, and that I am not "re-living" the most horrific part of my life for nothing. This is in no way therapeutic to me...in fact, it's quite the opposite. It's like pouring pure alcohol over an open gash. But I will continue with the hope that I have in side me....and what my going public may possibly do for my son and I.
My friend was a single mother. She had a little boy probably 2 years older than my son. I don't remember exactly. I remember I had pictures of my baby boy, and I would just stare at the pictures.
My ex....where do I even begin? One minute he wanted to be with me and work things out, and the next minute, he didn't, and he would say the most hurtful things to me. Back and forth...that's how he was.
When I was in jail, a Case Manager came from a Mental Health Network to visit me.
What is a Case Manager? A Case Manager is a person that represents the Mental Health Facility. The Case Manager has access to your files from when you meet with the therapist and/or psychiatrist. A Case Manager speaks on behalf of the facility, and will go to court with you, and a Case Manager is part of your support network.
I told her that day in jail how I hated the way that I was, and that I didn't ever want to be a monster like I was on that day. I told her about my life growing up. I was crying. She told me that I didn't belong in jail, and that I belonged on the outside getting help, and that she would help me. I told her that I had no money. She told me not to worry, that she would get me the help that I need. I kept her business card, and the very day I was let out of jail, I called her up on my own and I asked her to please get me in to their facility (as an outpatient) for help. She got me set up for an intake.
I wanted help so bad. I got the quickest appointment that they could give me.
In the interim, I was job hunting. It was hard trying to find a job, but I found a full-time temporary job through an agency, and I also went back to my part-time job that I had for going on 2 years at that point.
I did my best to hide that bulky ankle monitor. I really hated that thing.
I had court coming up on approximately July 28, 2008 to receive my conviction...up until that point, I was facing 2 felony charges.
My public defender....what he did to me. How he would help add to my life destructing....
