After graduating, and before going in to Corporate America, I got in to a relationship. The longest one that I have been in, thus far. We were together for just over 4 years, cummulative.
I was still in a great deal of pain inside. My self-esteem was still low, and my anorexia was still there, although it was dormant for a while, but it returned. I still had my anxiety and OCD, not to mention depression. When my ex-boyfriend and I would fight, it was bad. I grew up surrounded by violence and fighting, and I never got to see people work things out in a healthy manner. I repeated the only way I knew to handle my anger....in violence. He would get violent back. It wasn't a healthy relationship.
I started cutting myself while going out with him. I never cut anybody else, nor would I ever do something like that. And I wasn't cutting myself with the intent of killing myself. I was cutting myself because I was in so much pain inside that I couldn't handle it. It was a way to "snap" myself out of the pain and the thoughts that I was having.
I would cut myself in places where nobody could see. I cut myself because I wanted to feel physical pain vs. emotional pain....and the physical pain that I caused myself, would temporarily get me "out of my head" so to speak, as my mind would turn from the pain inside me, to the physical pain that I just caused myself. I preferred the physical pain vs. the emotional pain.
Sure, over the years, I went to therapists and psychiatrists, and they tried putting me on different medications i.e. anti-depressants. None of them ever worked. They may work for some people...but they never worked for me. My mind is more powerful than any drug that they could prescribe to me, so unless they had a medication which would cause me to forget about what I went through (which obviously, they don't)...no drug ever has; would; or could ever work on me.
I was working full-time, and my immediate supervisor/manager started sexually harassing me something awful. I ended up having to get an attorney and sue him and the company because the company knew of the way he was, yet they didn't do anything to put an end to the sexual harassment. It settled out of court. He ended up getting fired, and I quit that job.
My ex-boyfriend and I broke up and I was alone with nothing but my thoughts.....my painful thoughts....I couldn't escape them. I went back to cutting. I didn't do it for attention, as I lived alone, and nobody knew about it because I would cut myself on my legs, and my pants would cover them up. It was my secret. It was very addictive because it served its purpose....but it would only last temporary, and it definitely was not a healthy coping mechanism.
