My mother finally divorced my biological father when I was 8 or 9 years old. She then got re-married...I was around 9 years old at the time. I consider my step-father to be my father...I always have, and I always will.
As I previously wrote, I was born in Westchester, NY. I lived in Dutchess County, NY when my mother was married to my biological father. Then, when my mother re-married, we moved back to Westchester County (it's about a 45 minute drive). My mother had sole custody of my sister and I.
At this point, I was already affected by the abuse that I was subjected to for so many years. I suffer from anxiety, and the first time I remember having anxiety, I was around 9 years old or so. I probably had it before then, but that's my first recollection of having it.
At that age, I also had OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). My OCD manifested itself with unwanted, intrusive thoughts. Those were my obsessions. My compulsions (how I would temporarily relieve the obsessions) was to tell my intrusive thought to my sister over and over again....I had to hear many times, that I wasn't a bad person. I can tell the difference between unwanted intrusive thoughts, and my regular and normal thoughts. I have never once acted on an unwanted, obsessive, intrusive thought, and I never will.
So before I even turned 10, I was suffering the affects of all of those horrible years of abuse.
I was in elementary school, which at that time, in Westchester, went up to the 6th grade. I liked school. I had friends, and we all got along.
It was during this time, that my mom needed to have several major back surgeries, and she was on heavy pain killers. Low and behold, my mother, after taking these heavy pain killers, became addicted to them. She was a prescription drug addict.
Oh how those pain killers changed her. On top of it, I think that my mom was also suffering the affects of that horrific marriage that she was in, plus, I don't believe that my mother had a good, and healthy childhood growing up. I believe she grew up in an abusive environment. Needless to say, the drugs affected my mother...she became a different person.
It was approximataely 3 1/2 years later that we would move from Westchester, NY, to Florida. We moved the summer after I completed the 6th grade. I started middle school in Florida not having any friends. That was horrible. To make matters worse, I had short hair which my mother insisted that I have; I wore glasses; I didn't have the clothes that the popular kids wore, and I was quiet. All of that put together made me a walking target.
Day in and day out, I was tormented in school. Not just by one class bully...I was getting tormented by boys and girls...whether they were in my class(es) or not. I had gum thrown in my hair; spitballs thrown in my hair; I was pushed; threatened....one day I remember walking down the hall when a guy that wasn't in any of my classes walked by me with his group of friends following him, and he shoved me in to the lockers. It was after that day, that I started carrying a sharpened pencil with me in my hands (along with my books) in case something like that happened again.
I cried every morning. Every morning I would pray for God to let that day be better then the previous day, but it never was. All of the constant name calling day in and day out...along with the threats, put me in to depression. I literally wanted to die. I wanted to just go to sleep one night, and not wake up. I always woke up though...and every day from 7th grade through 12th grade, I got tormented horribly. So much so, that even though I was an honor roll student, I almost dropped out of school prior to my senior year of high school. I just couldn't take the abuse any more. But I did finish....fortunately, I had my own car during my senior year and I only went to school for half of the day, and then went to work for the other half.
I had no escape. School was pure torture, and my mother was verbally abusive due to all of those prescription drugs. Oh, the way they altered her. I hated life. I remember that I went in to depression at the age of 13....this is on top of the anxiety and OCD that I had.
I was a good student. I did have one problem though. I was verbally abusive to my parents. Not to anybody else. I had so much anger inside me, and that is how it came out. I would say the most hurtful things to my parents. Not to the people that were tormenting me at school...when they would torment me, I would never defend myself.
I was never overweight; however, on top of my other problems, I had extremely low self-esteem, which brought on anorexia at the age of 16/17. Oh how I hated my life. I hated my home life, and I hated school. I graduated with honors, and I even received a scholarship that I didn't even apply for, or expect. I didn't go to college though. I had suffered enough abuse from the kids at school...why go to college and be surrounded by those same kids? No...that wasn't for me. Plus, eventhough I graduated with honors, I felt too "stupid" for college...that's how low my self-esteem was.
So in to Corporate America I went. I hated my home life. I hated the way my mother was, and my father would always take my mother's side. She would say the meanest things to me which hurt me badly. Words hurt. All of the words that were said to me at home and at school stayed with me...I internalized them, and I started telling myself the things that were told to me.
Approximately one month after turning 22, I moved out on my own. I had to get away from my mother and father. I just couldn't take it any more. I moved in to a tiny apartment about an hour away from my parents. It was in a bad section of town, and I only had my clothes. I slept on the floor because I didn't even have a bed. Nevertheless, I was just happy to be living on my own, and to be making it on my own.
I still was suffering from all of the problems which had started when I was young. I was filled with anger.
